By Most & Schneid, P.C. Family & Divorce Law – New York
Discovering infidelity in a marriage is a deeply painful and confusing experience. Whether you're shocked, heartbroken, or angry, your next steps matter—for your well-being, your children (if any), and your legal future. Here are ten practical and emotionally grounded steps to consider:
1. Change Passwords
The first thing to do is to change passwords to everything. You want to ensure that your spouse can no longer view your emails and texts or know if you are discussing your spouse with friends or a lawyer. Moreover, social media can be a dangerous thing – while it is a great avenue to post positive content it can become a horrible experience if your spouse uses your account to post negative or file content that harms you in the community.
2. Gather Evidence Discreetly
If you suspect infidelity may lead to separation or divorce, consider collecting information—such as text messages, emails, receipts, or social media posts that will be useful in establishing your lifestyle or demonstrating conduct. You also need to secure your historical financial records that can establish assets you owned during the marriage, assets gifted to you, inheritance, personal injury awards and veterans benefits. These financial assets may not be subject to division but you need to be able to establish how you acquired the asset and what you've done with the asset from acquisition until you file for divorce. Most financial institutions only keep records for seven years. You want to ensure you safeguard whatever records you have. You will want to discuss all of these documents with your lawyer. Important: Never violate privacy laws. Avoid illegal surveillance or accessing password-protected accounts that you do not have the right to access.
3. Get Tested for STIs
Infidelity can put your physical health at risk. Get tested for sexually transmitted infections to ensure your safety, especially if you've been sexually active during the period of infidelity.
4. Confide in a Trusted Person – Not the Internet
Give yourself time to breathe. Emotional reactions like rage, confrontation, or posting on social media might feel cathartic in the moment but can complicate matters—especially if legal proceedings follow. Pause before you act. Choose one or two people you trust—preferably someone emotionally grounded and outside the circle of mutual friends. This isn't a time for gossip; it's a time for support. Do not post online about your spouse's conduct. Your posts may be used in a divorce proceeding. Your spouse can point to these posts as a reason for a claimed decline in income. If you have children, the posts will get back to them and it will be used in a custody proceeding.
5. Protect Your Finances
Review joint bank accounts, credit card transactions, and shared assets. In some cases, spouses engage in financial misconduct alongside infidelity. If needed, consult a financial advisor or attorney before making changes.
6. Don't Involve the Children (Yet)
Children should never be used as messengers or confidants. Hold off on telling them until you and your spouse are able to have a calm, age-appropriate conversation together.
7. Seek Therapy—for Yourself
Even if reconciliation is not on the table, individual therapy can help you process betrayal, navigate difficult emotions, and regain your footing. A therapist is a safe space where you can begin to rebuild your sense of self.
8. Learn Your Legal Rights
Schedule a confidential consultation with a New York divorce or family law attorney. A consultation with a lawyer can inform you as to what your rights are in the event of a divorce. This consultation will give you an idea of what type of support you may be entitled to receive or forced to pay and how assets may be distributed. The lawyer may also help you understand what custody may look like.
Understanding your legal rights allows you to make informed decisions—even if you're not ready to act.
9. Define What You Want
Infidelity doesn't mean the marriage must end—unless you want it to. Take time to reflect. Consider journaling, speaking to a therapist, or exploring what trust, forgiveness, and boundaries mean to you.
10. Prioritize Self-Care
You may be in survival mode—but now more than ever, your emotional and physical well-being matters. Try to sleep, eat nourishing food, move your body, and surround yourself with people who uplift you. Healing takes time, but you're not alone.
For a related look at how courts actually treat fault — including infidelity — when dividing assets, see Common Divorce Myths That Can Cost You Time and Money in New York.
Need Legal Guidance? We're Here.
At Most & Schneid, P.C., we've helped hundreds of New Yorkers navigate infidelity-related divorce and family law issues with clarity and compassion.
📞 Call us at (914) 997-9181 🌐 Visit us at www.mostandschneid.com